Columns

  • Send out for the nails

    One week down, one to go. The end of my first week in quarantine. It’s 7.40am; any moment now I’ll hear the rustle of my breakfast being delivered to the floor outside my room. In a bag, you understand. My favourite so far has been the bircher muesli. It must be due again soon. I’m 15 floors up in the five-star Westin Hotel in Mary Street, Brisbane. The family sends text messages hoping I’m coping.  Coping? I’m thinking of nailing the door shut. Despite being quarantined I can order stuff in; a hammer and nails should be no problem.  I’ll have to order a truckload of food, too, because the…

  • Going for the jugular

    CONSIDER the jug. A handy vessel for carrying anything more than a mugful of coffee, or of tea, or more than a stubby of beer. Of anything really, so long as it pours. They’re not much use with bricks. But there’s the rub – so long as it pours. A jug is meant for pouring. It’s designed deliberately to enable the user to pour stuff. That’s why it has a little lip, fashioned especially for the purpose. So why does it never work? I have jugs big enough to hold a barrel of beer and small enough to hold a crocodile’s tears; I have fat jugs and thin jugs; jugs…

  • Watch what you buy online

    I’VE bought a watch. Online. It came in a cardboard box, which I shall turn into a cubby house for the grandchildren. There’s even room for a stable, for the pony. And I’m not talking about the ponies that come in a blister pack labelled ‘My Little Pony’; I’m talking about a real pony, that lives in a field and eats grass. What is going on with the packaging used by online companies? If ever I find myself homeless I shan’t worry. I’ll buy a cheap watch. It’ll come in a cardboard box so big that I’ll have a spare room for guests, a laundry, and separate toilet and shower…

  • How can you tell you’re old?

    I DIDN’T know I was old. My face has gone baggy, and my hair has sunk back through my scalp to reappear as wire in my eyebrows, ears and nose, but I don’t count any of that – I can still do more pull-ups than any of the 21 people in my family. But yes, I’m old. How? Why! I didn’t agree to this! The clue is in the previous paragraph: lavatory. No-one calls them lavatories anymore; they’re toilets. When I mention the lavatory small children smirk from the safety of the back seat in the car (I can see them in the rear-view mirror). It’s losing touch with the…

  • Life, death and Telstra

    Last week it was Centrelink; this week it’s Telstra. Surprising really, that they should find their way into this column, which is mostly dedicated to the lighter side of life. But three hours on the phone to Telstra saying the same things over and over, receiving the same worthless responses over and over, and then being sold a product I can’t use is funny, in a way. If you’re a masochist. I bought a Bigpond wireless package for my internet connection. I bought it from a person on the end of a phone. His name was Wal. He was very nice. It’s amazing how easy it is to talk to…