Columns

  • Why’s it called Centrelink anyway?

    Why’s it called Centrelink anyway? Centre of what? Linking what? I’ve been there. It’s hopeless. It’s like trying to find the centre of a cloud that keeps changing shape. And whatever it links, it certainly isn’t people with help. The Centrelink website introduces itself with “Centrelink – giving you options”. It goes on to say it’s an Australian Government statutory agency, “assisting people to become self-sufficient and supporting those in need.” Notice it doesn’t say anything about “helping” people. That’s because it doesn’t. Look, I’m an old person. Mature-age, as Centrelink likes to put it. I go to Centrelink to talk about age pensions. I’m not dole-bludging; I’m over 65.…

  • We need teachers – get the Wiggles!

    HOW about we get The Wiggles to teach our kids history? The pass rate would be phenomenal. And it would be a lot easier to teach the Wiggles history than it is to teach someone with a history degree how to engage the interest of a classroom full of kids. Hands up if you have a recollection from your school, days of a teacher (or teachers) whose contribution to your education was to make you hate every minute of it; or, at least, the minutes spent with them. It seems everyone can remember at least one. I can remember half a dozen. I can also remember Dr Charles Garlick, whose…

  • The one with the pretty average willy

    I HAVE another grandson. That makes three. Plus the five granddaughters; eight in all. And there’s plenty of time for more. What’s going on? I thought two children per family was normal nowadays, but my kids must not have heard the news. It’s good to address the gender imbalance, though. Not that I feel threatened, but there was a 50 per cent chance the score would be two:six, Then I would have felt outnumbered. As it is I feel merely inadequate. His father (my son-in-law) took me aside yesterday and whispered: “His, er… you know… tackle… is enormous!” Pardon me? But no mistake. That’s what he meant. I have a…

  • The antechinus wars, Part II

    JUST before the end of last year I reported on the antechinus wars, part I. It’s now my solemn – and sad – duty to report the antechinus wars, part II. An antechinus is like a mouse with a pouch. A uniquely Australian creature with teeth like a cat’s and back feet like Charlie Chaplin’s. This might be the reason they have an identity crisis where I live. They think they’re human. That is, they like to live like humans. They want to sleep in my bed and stroll across the carpet while I’m reading the paper. I’m a human and I draw the line at pooing on the towels…

  • Stubby holders should come with instructions

    Stubby holders should come with instructions. Follow me through the while I tell you a true story: Not all countries in the world have stubby holders. Not all countries in the world need stubby holders. In England, for instance, where tepid beer is a delicacy, you couldn’t fill a fridge with the stubby holders in the entire country. If you asked for one they’d give you an ashtray. When I arrived in Australia (yes, I used to be a Pom) I dutifully rendezvoused with a family I had been assured would care for me in those first difficult days. They were going to a christening. They apologised for abandoning me, told…