HOW about we get The Wiggles to teach our kids history? The pass rate would be phenomenal. And it would be a lot easier to teach the Wiggles history than it is to teach someone with a history degree how to engage the interest of a classroom full of kids. Hands up if you have a recollection from your school, days of a teacher (or teachers) whose contribution to your education was to make you hate every minute of it; or, at least, the minutes spent with them. It seems everyone can remember at least one. I can remember half a dozen. I can also remember Dr Charles Garlick, whose…

I HAVE another grandson. That makes three. Plus the five granddaughters; eight in all. And there’s plenty of time for more. What’s going on? I thought two children per family was normal nowadays, but my kids must not have heard the news. It’s good to address the gender imbalance, though. Not that I feel threatened, but there was a 50 per cent chance the score would be two:six, Then I would have felt outnumbered. As it is I feel merely inadequate. His father (my son-in-law) took me aside yesterday and whispered: “His, er… you know… tackle… is enormous!” Pardon me? But no mistake. That’s what he meant. I have a…

JUST before the end of last year I reported on the antechinus wars, part I. It’s now my solemn – and sad – duty to report the antechinus wars, part II. An antechinus is like a mouse with a pouch. A uniquely Australian creature with teeth like a cat’s and back feet like Charlie Chaplin’s. This might be the reason they have an identity crisis where I live. They think they’re human. That is, they like to live like humans. They want to sleep in my bed and stroll across the carpet while I’m reading the paper. I’m a human and I draw the line at pooing on the towels…

Stubby holders should come with instructions. Follow me through the while I tell you a true story: Not all countries in the world have stubby holders. Not all countries in the world need stubby holders. In England, for instance, where tepid beer is a delicacy, you couldn’t fill a fridge with the stubby holders in the entire country. If you asked for one they’d give you an ashtray. When I arrived in Australia (yes, I used to be a Pom) I dutifully rendezvoused with a family I had been assured would care for me in those first difficult days. They were going to a christening. They apologised for abandoning me, told…

Did you know they can grow grapes with alarm clocks in them? Or maybe they’ve found a way to make liquid clocks, which they mix into the wine. So far, though, they’ve only perfected this technique with red grapes, or red wine, and they can only set the alarms for 3am. I know this because it’s one of the universal laws of the nature that if you drink red wine you will wake up at 3am. I’ve stopped being amazed by this. I accept it as one of the cruel contradictions that fate mocks us with, like the pleasures of sex being balanced with sleepless nights, teenagers and the wet…