MY daughter’s boyfriend has stolen her car. Again. This is the second time. I say boyfriend but, as you can imagine, I should have said ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t an expensive car. It was probably worth about $3000. I was inclined to anger when I first heard, then I looked on it as money well spent, if it means the brain-dead, devious, morally bankrupt moron will go away and leave her alone. Actually, he may have no choice. He’s on bail for driving without a licence. The last time he did it they threw him in jail for a month. Of course, one must be charitable. It might have been faulty…

HAVE you noticed how people have stopped using knives and forks? There are a few among us still hanging on to the last vestiges of civilisation by using a fork. After that it’s the fingers God gave us. I blame Australians. They might not have invented the sandwich (you can blame the English Earl of Sandwich for that) but they definitely adopted it. I am eating in the office today. I have just been handed the takeaway menu from our local café. It’s a manual. A bread manual. There is nothing you can’t buy in the food line from our local café. If you want goat’s testicles roasted a la…

THE dog is dying. It may even be dead by now. She hasn’t moved for five minutes. You see how insidious they are? I vowed the dog would remain ‘it’. I vowed I would not grow fond of it and call it something affection, like ‘she’. Now it’s happened. She hasn’t moved for five minutes. It’s not our dog anyway. It’s my daughter’s dog. We told her, 13 years ago, when she got it: don’t expect us to look after it! We’ve been looking after it now for 12 years and 10 months. I suppose we had kids, and having a dog isn’t so different. They both drop hair all…

DID you know Halloween — on Friday — is the night the souls of the dead visit their old homes? That’s why our kids dress up as ghosts and scary stuff, although personally I like to think of my dead ancestors as nice people. But it’s not true anyway. Halloween is nothing to do with the ancient religious festival of All Saints Day on November 1. That’s a myth encouraged by the government.] Halloween, with all it dark images, frightening figures and grim aspects, marks the last day before the taxman comes knocking on your door. If you haven’t got your tax return in by October 31 — you’re stuffed.…

WHAT is the meaning of it all? I ask myself. And I am not looking for an answer that involves heaven. It’s not death I’m curious about ­– it’s life. So far this morning I have drunk two cups of tea, eaten three slices of toast, sworn at the dog and read the newspaper. Where’s the higher purpose in that! Take my advice – stay away from questions like these. They’ll only make you miserable. I don’t know if it’s the same for John Howard. I mean, does he ever stare out the window and ask himself: what’s the meaning of it all? And if he does, does he have…