Trick or treat – it’s the taxman!

DID you know Halloween — on Friday — is the night the souls of the dead visit their old homes?

That’s why our kids dress up as ghosts and scary stuff, although personally I like to think of my dead ancestors as nice people.

But it’s not true anyway. Halloween is nothing to do with the ancient religious festival of All Saints Day on November 1. That’s a myth encouraged by the government.]

Halloween, with all it dark images, frightening figures and grim aspects, marks the last day before the taxman comes knocking on your door.

If you haven’t got your tax return in by October 31 — you’re stuffed.

Like me.

I look forward to Halloween with the same trepidation a suburban householder feels when the kids are yelling trick or treat, and he’s run out of treats.

More so. I envy the bloke whose wheelie bin is ablaze because he’s told half a dozen pumpkin-headed six-year-olds to piss off before he calls the police.

If my only problem were a witch’s hat, a set of Dracula teeth and a dog turd dropped in the mailbox, I’d be happy. But I’m facing the taxman!

A bloke in a suit and tie and carrying a brief case is a lot scarier than a warty old biddy on a broomstick, believe me.

I’m not going to make the October 31 deadline, and I am not going to turn into a frog. I’m going to turn into a pauper. Because they’re going to fine me a fortune for being late with my tax return. How unreasonable is that!

I mean, I’m not a cheat and I’m not embezzling them. I’m just disorganised. That’s a personality disorder. It might even be genetic (you should have seen my Dad’s shed). You can’t abuse people or fine them or insult them because of a genetic defect. There’s a law against it!

And, if you haven’t noticed, they only fine the people that owe them money. There’s no logic in it.

I’m going to end up with a $2000 tax debt and they want to take more because I am — by an accident of birth — disorganised.

But the bloke next door, who is looking at a $2000 refund from the taxman, can be as late as he likes! The reasoning is that if my neighbour wants to muck around with a late tax return then the only one who’s losing out is him.

But he can afford it! He’s going to get back $2000. He’s the first person they should fine! About $2000 should cover it.

I, on the other hand, am genetically defective, in debt up to my nostrils, and about to face an additional debt because I couldn’t get my tax return in before Halloween. I’m going to open the front door and the taxman will standing there in a Frankenstein mask shrieking trick or treat. Except there’s going to be no treat.

And he doesn’t need a mask. I’m frightened anyway.

I know, I know… I’ve had since the beginning of July and I knew when the deadline was. But no one fines me at Christmas, and I’m never ready for that either. Everyone thinks it’s very jolly and festive. And no, it’s not different – it costs me a bloody sight more than a visit from the taxman!