HOW many shoes do you have? And don’t lie to me. I know you have a pair you wear to work, something you slap around the house in and maybe two pairs for weekend activities. Okay, we’ll throw in the thongs for the beach, even though they hardly count as shoes. That’s five pairs, one of which is on your feet. Why, then, is there a shoe graveyard in your porch? It’s another one of life’s natural laws: shoes wake up in the middle of the night and stroll to the porch. They’re meant for walking, after all. Now that I’ve drawn your attention to it you’ll probably have a…

I DO not want to be a Christian. I thought I was, but I’ve changed my mind. Actually, I’ve had it changed for me — by a woman who caught a dose. Of Christianity. She is older than me, but not much, and she is on a mission to save my soul. I think she thinks that if she can save my soul she’ll be securing a place in heaven for her own. It’s a thing she has started worrying about. She has led, shall we say, an interesting life. Full of substance – most of which she’s abused. Funny how it happens to people when they’re too old to…

MY daughter tells me she and her partner used to live in a love bubble. This is not an address, apparently, It’s a state of being. It’s that time in your relationship when you both think sweat is sexy, feet are erotic and squashing into a bed the size of a surf board is the desirable option. So what happened? She’s with the same bloke, so what happened to the love bubble? They moved out? It burst? Or just stop floating? My wife says it’s natural; that you can’t stay in the love bubble all your life. You have to join the real world eventually. I ran away with my…

I AM thinking of writing a book about home renovations. I’ve renovated three so far, so I know what I’m talking about. I am qualified to give advice. It’s this: Get a man in. Trust me. It will save your temper, your sanity, your marriage and possibly your life. You don’t need to be working on the roof to be at risk – merely changing a fuse could end up with you welded to the state power grid. I know renovation is the modern way. It’s how one climbs the ladder to financial security: buying cheap, renovating, selling at a profit. It’s also how one never gets to go fishing,…

I HAVE been reading my e-mails. There were 38. Two of them contained something meaningful. Sixteen were trying to sell me something I didn’t want. I can handle that. The rest were the kind of material that convinces you the human race could do with some serious culling. If I receive one more message with a picture of a kitten, a baby, the sun’s rays filtering through a grove of trees, and a message telling me that someone loves me, I am going to track down the sender and shove my computer somewhere the sun’s rays are never going to reach! Actually no, they will receive only the keyboard. The…