MY dog is having acupuncture. Is this normal? I mean, I have nothing against acupuncture, but she’s hardly a consenting adult, even if she is 16, incontinent, blind and deaf. The only thing that seems to be working for her is her sense of smell – and she has plenty of that! But acupuncture? She’s taking homeopathic medicines, too. Herbs and minerals. It’ll be essential oils in the bath water next. And yoga. Indeed, maybe she’s already doing yoga. I understand one of the yoga positions extant in the world is the ‘downward dog’. I thought it was something exotic out of the Karma Sutra, but my wife tells me…

I HAVE filled in my census form, but I want the authorities to know it was only under duress. And no, I don’t have issues with civil rights or invasion of privacy. I have issues with danger. Even the very first question was dangerous: Name of householder. I put my name, despite the fact that it’s our house. “What’s this?” said my wife. “It’s only a form. It doesn’t matter.” “Well if it doesn’t matter, I’ll be the householder and you can be the Spouse or Partner.” “Yes dear.” Then there was question 34: Did you have a full or part-time job of any kind?   For my wife I…

I KNEW it was too good to be true. When they said “getting married” I saw white gowns and bridesmaids. I saw people seated in pews (groom’s family on the right; bride’s on the left) and the peal of bells; doves clattering from the belfry to spread the glad tidings. I saw a Rolls‑Royce, at least, and lots of champagne. No one said anything about a Hindu fire festival. Oh, I forgot to say… it’s my daughter who’s getting married. I mentioned it last week. But last week I didn’t know that the definition of “getting married” had been hijacked by the 21st century. Not only can you now marry…

I ALWAYS thought a mushroom was merely a mushroom. Round thing. Little stalk. Gnome sitting on top; maybe with fishing rod. But no; not where I am now. Still in Poland. This country is no easier to escape from than when it was behind the Iron Curtain. The difference is that now they kill you with kindness. When the Russians owned it they just used to kill you. So… I am still in Poland; and I’ve been gathering mushrooms with Maryska, my host. Maryska, and everyone else in Poland. Come August and September they all head for the woods and they gather…well, everything really. I’m surprised they leave the trees…

MY daughter is getting married. My daughter is getting married and she’s not even pregnant. I don’t think. There was a time when that was the first thing everyone thought. They’d smile at you and say: “Oh, wow! Congratulations!” while they strained their eyes sideways to gauge whether the woman in question was still the same shape she used to be or whether she was… thickening… Now though, it’s not an issue. I have three daughters and two sons. None of them are married (but, as I say, one of them is about to be) but all of them are gainfully employed as partners to their partners. What’s more none…