Gone to the dogs…

MY dog is having acupuncture.

Is this normal?

I mean, I have nothing against acupuncture, but she’s hardly a consenting adult, even if she is 16, incontinent, blind and deaf.

The only thing that seems to be working for her is her sense of smell – and she has plenty of that!

But acupuncture? She’s taking homeopathic medicines, too. Herbs and minerals. It’ll be essential oils in the bath water next. And yoga.

Indeed, maybe she’s already doing yoga. I understand one of the yoga positions extant in the world is the ‘downward dog’. I thought it was something exotic out of the Karma Sutra, but my wife tells me it’s perfectly normal. In yoga.

And all right, my dog is not doing yoga – yet. But I bet it won’t be long.

The world has gone mad.

I have no problem with alternative treatments. If I were widdling randomly on the carpet at all hours of the day and night I suspect my wife would try acupuncture on me. With meat skewers. But I’m not 119, which is what my dog would be if she were human.

I suspect it’s perfectly normal to lose your bladder control when you’re 119, though I’ve never met anyone with the personal experience, except the dog, and she’s not telling. She just staggers around the verandah with her tongue lolling and needles sticking out of her neck.

But that’s not the point. The point is – she’s a dog. I suppose you could argue that if acupuncture, paw paw cream and positive thinking are considered sensible treatments for my wife, then why not for my dog?

Well, the cost for a start. It seems like a waste of money, especially when it doesn’t make any difference. She’s still 119, incontinent, blind and deaf.

My dog, that is.

Where will it all end! Is there an entrepreneur out there somewhere with a massage parlour for pets? Is there a pet psychiatrist with a little couch?

You bet there is! And what’s more there must be rottweilers who could use the therapy, but a bullet would be cheaper.

But if we have money to spend on little pottery water features for the lounge room, or garden gnomes with fishing rods, then I suppose we might as well spend it on the dog, too.

And that’s the heart of the problem. We actually have so much money we have to invent ways of spending it. Not individually, of course. Some of us don’t have enough loose change to make a solitary clink. But as a society we’re desperate for new ways to spend our money.

Shopping is becoming the number one leisure activity in the world. And when we bore of clothes and exercise bicycles and mobile phones we… well, we get an acupuncturist for the dog.

“So what are you suggesting,” said my wife. “Murder?”

“I wouldn’t call it murder. I think euthanasia is a better word.”

“Euthanasia, for your information, involves the victim consenting. How you are going to get a consent form signed by a dog!”

“Who said I was talking about the dog?”