I HAVE discovered a fact about human physiology that could one day change the face of dieting. I’m not quite sure how, but science and the pharmaceutical companies will find a way. Poo has no weight. or none worth speaking of. It was one of those accidental discoveries, like Archimedes jumping into an overfilled bath and discovering he was fat. (Apparently he ran naked down the street afterwards yelling “Euraka!”, which meant “I’ve found it!” in Greek and had nothing to do with stockades). I was – am – on a diet. This is a major exercise in life choices for me. I’ve never been addicted to alcohol or drugs,…

DID you know that if you travel to Taroom (a little country town in the Brigalow belt) you’d better not need to go to the toilet? Unless you’re happy to use a tree. Because there aren’t any toilets. Not public ones. I can speak with authority on this because I have checked. On the National Public Toilet Map. I am not making this up. If you want to travel from Townsville (52 public toilets) to Perth (745) via Alice Springs (13) you can map your route by official opportunities to pee. You’ll have to keep your legs crossed for hundreds of kilometres, because the only toilets between these places are…

ELECTION day. On back. In bed. Staring at ceiling. If huntsman crawls to lampshade before fly takes off from cornice, I’ll vote Labor. If not, someone else. If wife brings tea while fly still stationary, Liberal. If not, Greens. Why am I not excited? This is my chance to Make a Difference. To the future. Six months, one year, three years, 50 years from now, I’ll be able to say… I helped bring Queensland to this point. With my vote. That’s the problem. I’ve been voting for 41 years ­– and look where it’s got us. If we’d all stayed in bed and handed the responsibility over to the cat,…

THE forces of darkness have taken over my home. Normally I could handle it. Blood on the walls, pentangles on the floor, wailings in the night, sharp objects flying through the air. But the forces of darkness are not playing fair (which is, I suppose, why they’re the forces of darkness). They are stealing the ballpoint pens. I can handle this, too. I’m sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that no matter how many ballpoint pens you buy they are biologically digested by the air in your house within half a day of you bringing them home. I have done studies. Either it’s the forces of darkness or…

I AM not impressed. John Andersen’s fine story in the Townsville Bulletin on Thursday (August 24) about the 45-tonne whale and its calf surfacing near his tinny was… well, fine. But it didn’t scare me. The playgroup has just been held at my house. Six mothers and a battalion of calves on solid ground are a lot more scary than whales – even when there’s no more than 50kg between the lot of them. Did you know that caterpillars taste a lot like orange cream biscuits? I am reliably informed. Or that it’s possible to pick snot from both nostrils at the same time? I have seen it done. Only…