THERE is a house going up next door. It’s been going up for several weeks, along with the level of profanity, the decibel levels of the radio and area of the builders’ exposed skin. If ever I have a house built I’m not going to bother about how skilled the builders are. I just want to be assured that they won’t swear, play radios or take their clothes off. We can strike a bargain: if they’ll do that for me, I won’t make jokes about the cracks in their bums. Builders don’t show their bums because their trousers slip down. They show them because their bums come up higher than…

I HAVE just spent 648.76 cents in Salerno, Italy. I did it at 3.45pm on Wednesday, which is strange because I remember I was crossing the road in Ogden Street, Townsville at the time. Must be something to do with the wonders of modern, high-speed communications… But no! More like the wonders of modern high-speed villainy. I was alerted to this extravagance by the credit-card security people at Commonwealth Bank, God bless ’em. They rang me on Thursday. “Mr Pearce? Were you in Italy yesterday afternoon?” “I wish!” “No, we thought not. We can see you used your credit card at The Willows shopping centre, Thuringowa, on Wednesday morning. So…

I HVE a mbl fne. Fr t 1st tme n my lfe. U no t trbl wt mbl fnes? No 1 spks prprly on tm ne mr. N fct no 1 spks. Ty txt. Ts mns plcg t eng lgge in a blndr & chpg it in2 pcs so smll tt it nvr rcvrs. Wts mr its usd wtout ne pncttn xcpt fll stps. Thrby ensrg t dmse f t cma, t apstrfe & t smicln. & its usd by smg bstrds hu tnk ty r prt f sm knd f elte bcs ty no al srts f abrvtns tt ty thnk r clvr. Bt ty r achly unntlgibl. So…

Where are the elderly lovers! I know they’re out there because I’ve seen them. Silver-haired couples strolling down the street holding hands and gazing into each others eyes with affectionate that says: “I’m glad I found you and that we’ve spent our lives together.” I might be wrong of course. They might have met last Thursday at the bowls club, but surely some of them must have known each other a long time and still like — even love! – each other? Maybe not. I’m disheartened. I have finally, and with much relief, returned Down Under after six weeks of seeing the sights of Europe. Wonderful stuff! The De Valk…

Sorry I wasn’t here last week. I was trapped in the gent’s toilets at Schiphol Airport, Amsterdam. All week. I didn’t know how to open the door. I don’t mean it was stuck, or anything. I just didn’t know how to open it without touching it. You may think this is a question that’s too stupid to deserve the attention of even the most witless of ordinary human beings – but you’re wrong. I can’t speak for women or their toilets. They may be different. I don’t know. I’ve never been in one. But I suspect that opening the door of the women’s toilets is probably easier (by which I…