Bt thm or jn thm!

I HVE a mbl fne. Fr t 1st tme n my lfe.

U no t trbl wt mbl fnes? No 1 spks prprly on tm ne mr. N fct no 1 spks. Ty txt. Ts mns plcg t eng lgge in a blndr & chpg it in2 pcs so smll tt it nvr rcvrs. Wts mr its usd wtout ne pncttn xcpt fll stps. Thrby ensrg t dmse f t cma, t apstrfe & t smicln.

& its usd by smg bstrds hu tnk ty r prt f sm knd f elte bcs ty no al srts f abrvtns tt ty thnk r clvr. Bt ty r achly unntlgibl.

So i hv dcd to jn thm. It wl f crse nd n trs. T pln fct is u cnt sml n a txt msg. U cn use stpd xprsns lk LOL r 🙂 bt thy r nt so sbtl as a spkn cnvrstn. If smne tls me thr wf hs lft thm i cn sml smpthtcly bt if i txt LOL r 🙂 thyl prbbly ht me.

T dy s cmg wn gvnmt rpts wl luk lk ts! Mnd u it wnt mk ne dfrnc. No1 ndrstnds thm nw!

Al i rly wntd ws a fne. Smthg i cd spk n2. Bt tts nt llwd ne mr. I cn tk my bld prsr wt ts fne. & blv me its gg 2 b hi!

Wt mks it wrs is tt im bgng to njy it! Its spsd to sv tm bt im achly gg bk vr my txt msgs & chngg thgs fr a shtr vrsn so im achly tkg lngr.

& nthr thg… Wy is it tt vrythg i wnt to rte nvlvs t 3rd ltr n t grup? Hw cum thy dnt mk t kybd so we gt to us t 1st ltr mr ftn?

T nly wds tt use t 1st ltr r usls wds lk mad dam pat or tap. Or achly… md dm pt tp. I sps 1 da u mt wnt to rte… md pt tps dm…n a nwsppr hdln or smthg.

If i wnt 2 rte smthg rly usfl lk… fly off for oz… i hv 2 ht t bldy kybd 34 xs!

Ts s crzy. I cnt g on lk ts. Im 2 old. I shl g bk 2 dg wt iv lwys dn… i shl pnctt prply. Ppl wl avd me n t strt. Ty wl hddl n crnrs & wspr abt me wn i wlk by… O my gd – he uss smclns!

I dnt cr. I shl frm a clb & we wl trvl ozstlia shvg ppl wt mbl fns off rlwy pltfms & ndr bss. It wl b vry stsfyg.

T uthr rsn wy i dnt lk txtg is tt im spsd 2 rte 500 wds 2 fll my spc n ts nwsppr. Bt f i txt it it nly tks up hf as mch rm.

& i nly gt pd hf as mch.

Bmr!

LOL. 🙂

PS: R u ovr 50? Trnsltn blw…

I HAVE a mobile phone. For the first time in my life.

You know the trouble with mobile phones? No one speaks properly on them any more. In fact, no one speaks. They text. This means placing the English language in a blender and chopping it into pieces so small that it never recovers. What’s more, it’s used without any punctuation except full stops. Thereby ensuring the demise of the comma, the apostrophe and the semicolon.

And it’s used by smug bastards who think they are part of some kind of elite because they know all sorts of abbreviations that they think are clever. But they are actually unintelligible.

So I have decided to join them. It will, of course, end in tears. The plain fact is you can’t smile in a text message. U can use stupid expressions like LOL (laugh out loud) or :), but they are not so subtle as a spoken conversation. If someone tells me their wife has left them I can smile sympathetically, but if I text LOL or 🙂 they’ll probably hit me.

The day is coming when government reports will look like this! Mind you, it won’t make any difference, No one understands them now!

All I really wanted was a phone. Something I could speak into. But that’s not allowed any more. I can take my blood pressure with this phone. And believe me, it’s going to be high!

What makes it worse is that I’m beginning to enjoy it! It’s supposed to save time but I’m actually going back over my text messages and changing things for a shorter version so I’m actually taking longer.

And another thing… why is it that everything I want to write involves the third letter in the group?

How come they don’t make a keyboard that lets us use the first letter more often?      

The only words that use the first letter are useless words like “mad”, “dam”, “pat” or “tap”. Or actually, “md”, “dm”, “pat” or “tp”.

I suppose one day you might want to write “mad pat taps dam” in a newspaper headline or something.

If I want to write something really useful like, “fly off for Oz”, I have to hit the bloody keyboard 34 times!

This is crazy. I can’t go on like this. I’m too old. I shall go back to doing what I’ve always done – I shall punctuate properly. People will avoid me in the street. They will huddle in corners and whisper about me when I walk by… “Oh my God! –– he uses semicolons!”

I don’t care. I shall form a club and we will travel Australia shoving people with mobile phones off railways platforms and under buses, It will be very satisfying.

The other reason why I don’t like texting is that I’m supposed to write 500 words to fill my space in this newspaper. But if I text it, it only takes up half as much room.

And I only get paid half as much.

Bummer!

Laugh out loud. :).