GREAT God, the world has gone mad! I knew that of course; but Thursday’s Townsville Bulletin reminded me. It was there that Ms Lana Allcroft of NQ Wildlife Care was quoted as saying it’s illegal to kill or relocate snakes. What, then, am I supposed to do with the one in my Christmas tree? I was supposed to take the tree down on Thursday — that being the Twelfth Day of Christmas — but it’s got a squatter. If I am to believe Ms Allcroft I’m stuck with my squatter until it decides to leave. I certainly don’t want to kill it (and I don’t think it can kill me…

WORDS fail me. This will come as a surprise to Townsville Bulletin readers who have suffered about 100,000 of them from me over the past four years. But what can you say? Not Happy New Year. Not for the 100,000 people who lost their lives; nor the hundreds of thousands who lost bits — or all — of their families and their homes in south-east Asia last week. My job is to make light of life’s dramas. Your daughter redesigns her face in a collision with a windscreen? There’s a funny side. Your wife leaves you? It’s not all bad. You have a prostate problem? I can make jokes about…

YOU think it was Christmas Day I was waiting for? Wrong! It’s today! This is the best bit. The ritual is over. I have given peace and goodwill and I have received it. Mixed, perhaps, with the mildest display of frustration from my wife over the joke dog turd. The plague of locusts that marched through yesterday swilling anything in a glass and troughing everything on a plate, has left. And they have left me —thanks to my own rat cunning and a sudden shutdown of festive goodwill — enough with which to enjoy Boxing Day. A bottle of port, a sliver of Christmas pudding, a few shards of dry…

THIS year I am not spending too much of my peace and goodwill on the poor and underprivileged. My mum has come over for Christmas. We haven’t had Christmas together for 20 years. That’s okay. My mum is No Trouble. You’d be amazed how much trouble someone who is No Trouble can be. Especially when they’re 84. Being 84 and being no trouble is a bit like being a potty-trained newborn. In fact, it’s very like being a potty-trained newborn, because in both cases the incontinence factor is high. My mum doesn’t mind if she drinks tea or coffee; she doesn’t mind if she stays in or goes out. She…

HERE we go again! The festive season has arrived! We are going to have a great time! Goodwill and peace to everyone. Once we’ve established the ground rules, that is. My eldest daughter wants to share a stocking with her partner because she doesn’t approve of the wanton indulgence of excess in the festive season (or any other season for that matter). And she’s going to yoga classes on Christmas morning. To meditate. But not, one assumes, excessively. My second daughter says this isn’t fair because she won’t get any help preparing Christmas dinner, and anyway, everyone is supposed to mill around in the jungle of discarded wrapping paper and…