I’ve got a squatter

GREAT God, the world has gone mad!

I knew that of course; but Thursday’s Townsville Bulletin reminded me.

It was there that Ms Lana Allcroft of NQ Wildlife Care was quoted as saying it’s illegal to kill or relocate snakes.

What, then, am I supposed to do with the one in my Christmas tree? I was supposed to take the tree down on Thursday — that being the Twelfth Day of Christmas — but it’s got a squatter.

If I am to believe Ms Allcroft I’m stuck with my squatter until it decides to leave. I certainly don’t want to kill it (and I don’t think it can kill me – it’s only a tree snake… well, clearly… it’s in my Christmas tree!) but if Ms Allcroft thinks I’m going to cohabit with the bloody thing on a permanent basis – she’s wrong.

If she’s really quoting the law then the law on snakes is an ass.

Her advice is pretty suspect, too. I’m supposed to close the lounge room door and jam towels in the gaps under the door and keep an eye on the snake from a safe distance?

By drilling a hole in the wall, perhaps?

Meanwhile, setting up a new lounge room in the shed. Of course if we get a snake in there, too, we’ll have to watch television in the bathroom. Because snakes are protected and we are not allowed to relocate them.

They are, however, allowed to relocate us, because, being human, we are not protected. Not from snakes anyway.

This is what happens when laws are framed by well-meaning people with no brains. And I want you to know, Ms Allcroft, that this doesn’t include you, who is only the messenger.

Of course we need laws that will provide respect and protection for our native wildlife – even the ones that carry enough venom to wipe out a herd of elephants.

But anyone who could frame a law that says we can’t relocate a snake has never had one up their Christmas tree.

It’s lucky it didn’t get relocated accidentally into a box of Christmas decorations until it’s that time of year again.

It’s not much better if they’re in the yard, either.

The thing with snakes is… they’re very quiet. And mostly still. You may not know one’s there until you tread on it.

And what’s this quaint idea that snakes only bite feet? Wear shoes, say the experts. But just because snakes slither across the ground doesn’t mean they’re glued to it. Especially their heads, which they’re quite capable of lifting to… oh… knee height or worse.

Let’s not forget, either, that there are worse things than having a snake in the yard, or in the lounge room. Like having one, but not knowing where it is!

It will be no comfort to know my snake is no longer in the tree, unless I know exactly where it’s gone. And for preference that would be Thuringowa. But I’m not allowed to relocate it.

Am I allowed to make its life uncomfortable then? (It is, after all, making mine less than satisfactory). I could put Australian Idol on the telly… cook tripe… play rap music… invite a lawyer to dinner…

If it doesn’t leave soon I’m going to have to relocate my wife. But she assures me there are definitely laws against that.

I can see where this is leading… the only life form I can safely relocate without fear of retribution – is me! I smell a rat.

But that’s okay. You’re allowed to kill rats, unless they’re bush rats.

Which raises the question of what you’re supposed to do if you see a protected animal eating a protected animal… but that way madness lies.