I think I’ll come home now, if that’s okay. I’m in England. Been here for hours and that’s quite enough, thank you very much. I haven’t had a smile since I touched down (in a Qantas plane, I might add. There were plenty of people smiling on that). Interesting that a smile – such a simple, uncomplicated thing – should be so hard to find in a city of 12 million people. I didn’t get one from customs and immigration, but of course they have their smile muscles surgically removed when they take the job. Over the years I’ve tried everything to get a smile out of them short of…

I’ve received an email. Very amusing. It said that in 2007, when we were threatened by bird flu, it was the Year of the Chicken in China. In 2008 when we were all terrified of equine flu, it was the Year of the Horse. This year the swine flu pandemic has got us in its grips and it’s the Year of the Pig. And guess what: next year is the Year of the Cock and we should all be very worried (the blokes, anyway). The message has obviously gone viral because so far I’ve heard it from England, America, Fiji, Japan and Western Australia. It’s probably being repeated in bars…

I’m giving it up. A time comes when you have to accept the impact that addiction is having on your life. Either that, or ever more rapidly find yourself reduced to a drooling imbecile. My wife says that’s just my age. It’s not; it’s the addiction. But the world conspires to lock one in to the cycle of abuse. There are beguiling opportunities in every city centre, in shopping centres and suburban streets, in newsagents, newspapers, magazines and books. And if that’s not enough, I actually enjoy it. I know Sudoku isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s certainly mine. It’s also my toast and butter, not to mention whisky…

Dear Mr Swan That was a very nice budget. Thank you. Your $33-a-week increase in pensions for old people will go down very nicely. In return I thought I’d do something for you. I have a plan for increasing consumer spending and improving the lifestyle of the whole country with one simple stroke. At the same time it would shake the mining industry out of its recent slump and save me buying a new pair of trousers every month. Like all good ideas it’s very simple. Innovation at its best. Nation building, I think you called it. What you do is: you dump the five-cent coin. That’s it. Simple. I’m…

When I’m emperor of the world I’m banning retractable tape measures. They’re the things you buy in hardware stores every week because the one you thought you had in the shed has mysteriously gone missing again. By all the laws of logic there should be several dozen scattered around the house and garden, but you can never find one when you want one; or when you do find it, its innards have poured out and they won’t retract. Or its innards are coiled up exactly where they should be, but they won’t. . . tract? My granddad was a cabinet maker and he, lucky man, died before the age of…