WELCOME to Eliza Constance. My granddaughter. Seven pounds seven ounces. The seventh grandchild; a child of extraordinary beauty who was smiling within five hours of birth, and no, it wasn’t wind. It was knowledge. Raw intelligence. Maybe it was because she can see the funny side. I don’t know what, exactly, she would see as funny. For me it’s the notion that God is infallible. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice bloke, despite infesting the Egyptians with a plague of boils, which was a really rotten thing to do. But when it comes to reproductive systems he’s not… well… practical. Have you seen the size of a baby? Have…

IT’s a well known fact there are no fish in the ocean. I’ve looked. That is, I have searched for them with a hook. With food on. The kind of food that fish find irresistible. Prawns and bread; worms and chicken guts. I’ve even tried the parson’s nose, which everyone knows is the best bit on a chicken. Nothing. I’ve fished close to shore and far out beyond the surf. I have fished from boats and rocks and piers. It’s empty. Well, not exactly empty. It’s full of plastic, discarded fishing line and old bait bags, but not fish. So I find it hard to see how 300 fishermen could…

I’ve rented a movie for tonight. I chose Star Wars. It cost me $2.90. That’s if you don’t count the time it took to choose it. If you count that, the cost is somewhere in the region of $1,398.35. I don’t rent many movies. Maybe one a week. I daren’t rent any more because I don’t have time. I spent $300,000 the last time I bought a house. I looked at three before I found the right one, and it took me three hours to make the decision. Renting a DVD takes half my life. I look at hundreds – and I still come away with something boring. Last week…

I HAVE voted. Or I will have by the time you read this, unless you have some very strange weekend habits that involve getting up early. I like polling days. For a nanosecond I feel important. Here’s me with my little slip of paper changing the course of the future. If next year the rates go up, or the traffic congestion gets worse, or the rubbish bins don’t get emptied, it will be my fault, or yours, depending on who we voted for. I like the Australian system. You must vote. It’s the law. And if you don’t, you risk getting fined. This is unlike the system where I was…

“God,” he said. “I’m sick of rain.” He’d have lived longer if he’d been smiling; they might have known he was joking. As it was the family was looking for something to bury. This was last night, in the pub. I don’t approve of lynch mobs. They could just have had him arrested. Offensive language would be the charge. But it wouldn’t have made any difference. I’m sure complaining about the rain is a hanging offence in any Australian court of law. I’ll tell you a secret… I agree with him. I’m glad you don’t know where I live. Why is this? Why are we tolerated if we think Shane…