Bad taste in the beerkellars

I’M not watching any more World Cup.

Great match Monday night. Go the Socceroos! But the price is too high.

I can’t take the ties any more. Not ties as in drawers; or equal scores.

Ties as in the things you wear round your neck.

Have you seen them? I mean, have you seen these ties!

Not on the players; the players wear jerseys.

The talkers. Those hangers-on who fill in all the boring bits with boring conversations about how sunny it is and how one of the players got a paper cut while licking an envelope and who is going to win and who is not going to win. The pontificaters and pundits who know everything.

Except about ties.

You could get the same effect by throwing up on your shirt.

Maybe that’s it! They’re not ties at all, but cleverly disguised gouts of sauerkraut and salami from the previous night’s binge in the beerkellars of Kaiserslautern.

It must have been a really big night judging from the size of the ties. And who ties them, for heaven’s sake?

I guess they do their own. I’m sure they do. That’s why they’re so bad at it – too much time in the beerkellars!

One of them on Monday night had a knot in his tie that was so big it would have hidden a bucket. Maybe it did hide a bucket. More power to the beerkellar theory.

Seriously though… no one would wear a ties like those unless they were forced to. Someone at SBS has decided a fashion statement is needed. Something uniquely Australian, no doubt, but with a touch of European culture to identify us as a civilised and sophisticated society… and they came up with a good old-fashioned technicolour yawn – on a tie.

Either that or they bought a job lot off the back of a truck somewhere on the side streets of Hamburg.

I haven’t actually spoken to any of the SBS team who are being put through this embarrassment, but you can tell it is embarrassing. They just don’t look comfortable in them. I mean, they’re Australian! No one with any sense wears ties in Australia. No one with any sense wears ties like these ties anywhere in the world!

Why do you think the SBS World Cup newsreader Stephanie Brantz is always smiling? It’s because she’s a woman and she doesn’t have to wear one!

It’s not only that they’re hideous and no one knows how to tie the knots. They must also be very, very hot. Have you seen the temperatures in Germany at the moment?

Thirty-five degrees! That’s almost as hot as it gets in an Australian summer. What lunatics wear ties in that kind of weather. And suits!

We’re talking about soccer; not the stock market, or corporate takeovers. Even in the country of its birth (England) it’s not a sport of suits and ties; more cloth caps and whippets and Doc Marten boots.

I don’t know… I always thought we Aussies were supposed to have a reputation for being a laid back, laconic, laissez-faire kind of nation; not a bunch of stuffed shirts fronted by tasteless ties; but SBS has gone and ruined that. What must they think of us in Europe now!

I suppose the upside is that, hopefully, the SBS reports are only being seen by Australians in Australia, which means we might be able to keep it secret from the rest of the world.

If not, the ties might come in very handy. We can end our embarrassment by chucking them over a high beam and using them as nooses.

No… not for us – for those idiots who make the fashion decisions at SBS.