We’re running out of footy names

I DUNNO… I’m having trouble getting excited about the game against Parramatta.

I mean… Cowboys versus Storm had something… a certain je ne sais quoi; shades of Clint Eastwood and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (I suppose ‘the ugly’ was the ref).

But Cowboys versus Parramatta? It’s as exciting as Cowboys verses Paluma.

And from there it’s only a short step to why we call them Parramatta when every other team in the known universe is named after something with teeth, or claws, or tusks, or weight, or attitude. Or guns.

It’s because if you didn’t call them Parramatta, you’d have to call them The Eels.

Eeels? You know… those slippery little sods that are forever swallowing your bait when what you really want to catch is something that can give you a run for your money. Like a shark.

Only someone’s already using shark.

It’s becoming a problem. If we invent any more teams we’re going run out of names. We’ll have to start including sub-species. The Tigers would become Panthera tigris altaica or Panthera tigris amoyensis and something would be lost in the translation.

Or we’ll have to lower our sights regarding the fearsomeness of the animals we choose. If someone’s already got The Vipers, then the second person in the queue will have to take The Earthworms.

Parramatta must have been second in the queue. Why eels, whenyou could have The Anacondas, or The Taipans? Even The Brown Tree Snakes would have more… bite.

Ask yourself who, in their right minds, would barrack for The Eels. Even if your home team is The Cowboys you can still have some respect for The Lions (king of the jungle, courage) or The Bulldogs (tenacity, bravery) or The Eagles (free spirits, fierceness, swiftness).

But The Eels (wriggling out of tight corners by cunning, thin, ugly. Lawyers)?

It’s going to be a one-sided affair on Sunday. Even if I lived in Parramatta I’d be embarrassed to be there yelling: “Come on The Eels!”

Mind you, The Cowboys are not going to have it all there own way.

I have discovered there’s a weakness in their game plan.

It was revealed by the Townsville Bulletin in a report on Thursday, and if there are Parramatta (sorry, The Eels) spies reading the Bulletin we could be in big trouble.

The report said: “Hannay was free enough in his movement to run on his injured shoulder and throw a Frisbee…”


To run on his shoulder?

I mean, I am not averse to innovation. Just because I’m an old person it doesn’t mean I can’t embrace change. I have a palm pilot and an MP3 player and I know what my daughter means when she leaves me a message saying she’s havg a gr8 dy and she’ll b bk b4 2.

I have even come to terms with football’s preoccupation with talking everything into overdrive, so that what used to be a semi-final is now a final and what used to be a final is now a Grand Final.

But running on your shoulder is not going to catch on. Not in a sport where almost everyone else (except Josh, presumably) is running on their feet. The simple fact is you achieve more acceleration that way. And it’s easier to keep your balance.

Great Scott, no wonder he dislocated a shoulder. Twice! I’m surprised they didn’t stop him after the first time.

Of course, I might have misunderstood completely. When you think about it, it’s a daft idea. Even running on your hands would be quicker, and I’ve never heard of anyone dislocating a hand.

Probably it’s part of the toughening-up process. The report didn’t saying who was running on his shoulder. I guess he just lay down and the other guys queued up to trample over him. They probably took turns. It just happens that Josh’s shoulders are more sensitive, or some of the other blokes are bigger than he is.

Either way, Josh, take my advice and stay on your feet. Just be extra careful when you’re treading on any eels – they’re worse than banana skins.