So what’s Easter about then?

I THOUGHT we were supposed to be gradually growing more religious.

As a nation, I mean. Not as a family – one of my daughters even has 666 in her telephone number!

But if that’s true why do I have this nagging feeling that Easter is creeping by in much the same way Porridge Day might, if we had one?

Not in the churches, of course… they’re right behind it, but that’s their job.

I mean out there among the hoi polloi, where the real people live.

Oh sure… the shops have done the Easter egg thing, and the Easter bunny thing, even though it’s entirely the wrong time of year to be thinking of nature’s reproductive juices.

Easter is designed for the northern hemisphere, where the sexes are at it like knives through March and April. Here in Townsville we’ve finished with all the steamy panting and it’s time to take a rest.

Maybe that’s why Easter doesn’t seem to be working. Take away the hot cross buns and the Easter eggs and what have you got? A long weekend, basically.

At least with Christmas we still know that without the gifts and the booze it’s all vaguely tied up with the birth of Christ. But what’s Easter about?

Yes, I know… it’s about the crucifixion of Christ and his subsequent ascent to Heaven. But yesterday (Good Friday) several people slapped me on the back and wished me a good Good Friday. Like it was Christmas Eve!

Don’t they know Good Friday is a day we’re supposed to mope? You can’t celebrate the day a bunch of human beings (any human beings!) nailed another human being (even if it wasn’t Christ!) to a wooden beam and hung him out to die.

Come to think of it Christ wasn’t a human being, as it turned out. Human beings are not noted for surviving death.

The celebration bit isn’t supposed to happen until the Sunday, when Christ came back from the dead.

And while we’re at it lets straighten a few things out: the Easter eggs are for Sunday. The hot cross buns are for Good Friday. Yes, I know they’re yummy and considered a treat, but there it is. If you really want to mope on Good Friday I suggest you lace your hot cross buns with strychnine.

But be warned — there’s not much chance of you coming back on Easter Sunday.

It’s a curious thing about Easter. Did you know it’s the only festival in the Christian calendar that follows the phases of the moon?

I mean, Christmas never moves. We are quite certain about the date Christ was born. And Epiphany, if you didn’t know, is the date the wise men got to meet Him. January 6. It’s set in stone. Not ‘about’ January 6.

But Easter is, and I quote: “The first Sunday after the first full moon following the vernal equinox.”

Basically, the first full moon after March 21.

What happened?

Do the druids know something we don’t?

Does the government know something we don’t about the weather, so they can always pick a wet weekend for Easter?

As usual, I don’t know the answer, only the question. Never mind… tomorrow is Sunday, and as I am officially not allowed to wish you a happy Easter today (Saturday), then you might want to pick up this column again tomorrow and consider it wished.

Enjoy the eggs, have fun, and if you really want to get into the spirit of the thing… oysters are supposed to do wonders for the reproductive juices.