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Is nothing sacred? Actually, no.

IT is December.

Good cheer is seeping into the western world on a wave of festive tinsel and jolly Christmas cards.

But not in my house.

There are two young children in my house. Oh what are jolly time we’re having!

Today we open door number 4 on the advent calendar.

We don’t have lollies in our advent calendar. We have cute festive scenes.

Yesterday’s was a Christmas cracker. A picture of a Christmas cracker.

“Where’s the lolly?” asked by granddaughter.

“We don’t have lollies. We have pretty pictures. Isn’t it pretty…?”

“They have lollies at Sarah’s house.”

“Yes, but this isn’t Sarah’s — what are screaming for? We’re supposed be having a jolly time!”

Today it’s the grandson’s turn. He’ll be fine. He’s only one year old and he doesn’t know what’s going on.

The two-and-a-half-year-old will beat him up though, because she can. And they’ll both scream.

I have threatened them. “Santa’s fairies are watching and if you’re not good he won’t bring you any presents.”

“Don’t want any presents!”

She woke up that night. “There’s a fairy in my room.”

“No. I don’t think so. Santa’s fairies are very careful never to let anyone see them.”

“Well there is, and I’ve squashed it.”

And it’s only December 4.

There’s another 20 days on the advent calendar. I have no weapons left. I have used the biggest available threat — no presents if you’re not good — and it failed.

I may have to resort to violence.

Since my own children were this age something weird has happened to the fabric of society.

I told my kids festive stories about Santa winging it round the world in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and they listened in breathless silence.

Now they argue.

“Reindeers can’t fly.”

“These reindeer could fly.”

“Even if they could they’d burn up. Roger Highfield says so.”

Take my advice. If you value Christmas and you believe in Santa Claus, keep your kids away from Mr Highfield.

You’ll find him on the internet. He is to Christmas traditions what a stake is to Dracula.

Mr Highfield has worked out that Santa Claus has only a fraction of a second in which to fill a stocking for each child in the world (and that’s only the Christian children, naturally, because the other religions don’t celebrate Christmas) and that to reach them all in one night with a payload of several million tons his reindeer, sleigh, and he would all burst into flames in the first second because the speed he would have to travel would create several billion kilojoules of energy.

Come to think of it, if you value your Christmas you’d better stay away from religion too, because Santa Claus — or Saint Nicholas, as a he started out — is no longer a Saint.

The church de-canonised him several years ago when they realised there were so many saints they were having to reduce Saints’ Days to Saints’ Mornings and Saints’ Afternoons.

Tradition is under threat on all sides. Even from two-and-a-half-year-olds. And I am fighting a losing battle. I no longer have a silver threepenny bit to hide in the pudding. Someone ate my last one accidentally last year. She was one-and-a-half then, and we thought we might have to get her stomach pumped.

Back then she thought the best bit about the whole jolly affair was the wrapping paper.

Now she’s executing fairies. Is nothing sacred?

Actually, no.