Equality is leaving the seat up!

AS I was saying, why do women have a non-negotiable expectation that men will put the seat back down when they’ve finished.

It defies logic and all the rules of sexual equality.

Work it out… I go to the lavatory to do number ones… I lift the seat… I pee… I replace seat… I leave.

She goes to the lavatory (except in her case it’s the toilet)… she does the number ones (or the number twos for all the difference it makes)… she leaves.

This is grossly unfair. I’ve touched the bloody thing twice and she touches it never. Except with her bum of course, but that doesn’t count.

It would be much fairer if I lifted when I entered, peed, and walked away.

Then, when she arrived, she would have to place it back down again, do whatever she pleases, and leave. In this way we both get to touch it once and we both have to wash our hands.

Also, she can be reasonably confident that I haven’t wee-ed on the seat because, clearly, I lifted it to start with.

How will she know, if it’s down when she goes in there, that I didn’t just rely on good aim and the absence of the whiplash effect.

I don’t understand what it is with women and lavatories. Toilets.

I have a friend whose wife insists the lavatory seats are changed when they move to a new house. Cleaning is not enough. Exorcism is not enough. Only a new seat will do. And before you ask, she never, ever uses a public lavatory. She must have a bladder like Fort Knox.

There used to be a sign above the lavs on English trains that said: Gentlemen lift the seat.

I was never sure whether it was an order or a kind of sad comment on the fact that you just hadn’t and you clearly weren’t a gentleman.

If they had such a sign in lavatories today it would say: Gentlemen place the seat back down again afterwards.

It’s a dangerous and insidious form of brainwashing, if you ask me. Women smile knowingly around the dinner table and murmur about how disgusting it is that men don’t replace the seat, and the men all look sheepish and grin guiltily.

Well, bollocks!

Men of the world unite! Lift it and leave it there! Lobby your MP and get it written into the discrimination laws. You’re her partner, for heaven’s sake. Her husband possibly. She’s seen you with no clothes on (and if she hasn’t then you’ve got a lot more problems than the lavatory seat).

It’s nothing more than coy feminine posturing and we shouldn’t indulge it.

I am leaving the seat up, and if my wife complains I’m going to close my eyes while I pee.

If she complains about that I’m going to rip the seat off the lavatory altogether.

And I’m going to jam it firmly over her head and tie it there if she ever, ever mentions the Roosters again.