I DON’T snore.
My wife says I do. It’s a lie.
The reason she wakes up tired, irritable and out of sorts every morning is because… well, she doesn’t sleep. But it’s got nothing to do with me.
No worries… she’s going through women’s stuff. Hormonal changes. You know the kind of thing.
I try to be understanding but it can get you down when they go on about it.
I mean, we all have stuff to deal with. I go to work, I get abused, I deal with idiot drivers on the road, and banks that let all their staff go to lunch at lunchtime when lunchtime is when the whole of Townsville goes to the bank.
But by the next morning I’ve let it go. I do not wake up with eyes as red as a weasel’s and poison in my heart. I do not blame my mood on my wife.
“But I don’t snore, you idiot!” she yelled.
“I believe primrose oil is very good.”
“I am not hormonal. I am tired! I am suffering sleep deprivation because you lie on your back with your mouth open and you snore. And let me tell you, you noisy bastard, it’s not only noisy – it’s very, very unattractive!”
I told her to calm down. You’re just tired, I said. You should get more sleep.
She aired the spare room.
It’s been an eye opener, I can tell you. She must have a lover. I mean… where did all that stuff about being unattractive come from, and why is she moving to the spare room?
We’ve been married 27 years and she’s never had a problem before. I told her so. If it was really something to do with me she would have brought it up a long time ago.
“But I have! I do! You snore. All night. I’m not getting any sleep!”
But I don’t snore. If I snored I’d know.
“But that’s ridiculous! You snore when you’re asleep. You wouldn’t know if you did, because you’re sleep, you… you idiot!”
“Do you snore?”
“How do you know? If you’re asleep?”
“But I’m not. I never sleep. I can’t sleep. Because you snore.”
I don’t, but I didn’t think it was anything to cry about.
I told her I knew about the lover. She edged towards the door, hanky sopping.
I said, “If I find him I’ll cut his testicles off.”
“If I find him I’ll cut his nose off,” she sobbed.
But even if I did snore that’s no reason for her to sleep in the spare room. I mean, I’m not unreasonable. She could give me a shake.
It worked when we had the earthquake.
Actually I might have dreamt the earthquake. There was this rumbling noise and I woke with my wife shaking me.
“You were snoring,” she said.
“Nonsense. It was an earthquake.”
I suggested this to her.
“I’d rather you woke me than sleep in the spare room,” I said.
She sniffed back the tears. “That’s very sweet of you. Thank you. But you’ll get used to it.”