Nothing to fear but fear itself

I HAVE just received Mr Howard’s little booklet.

The one that reassures you we are safe in the hands of skilled security forces and have absolutely nothing to fear from terrorists, bombs or chemical attack.

And then tells you what to do when you meet one, it goes off, or your friends fall over for no apparent reason.

DON’T PANIC! it says.

It doesn’t actually say it in capitals or with an exclamation mark, but it does say it across 20 pages, a two-page personal letter from John and a fridge magnet, so the effect is the same.

So naturally, I’m panicking. Especially as my friends fall over for no apparent reason every night down the pub. I thought it was the grog and some of the blokes reckoned it was Alf farting, but now I know it’s nerve gas.

You have to wonder why he did it (Not Alf… John Howard). I mean, be prepared and all that, but why is he trying to reassure us that everything is under control on the one hand, and what to do when the bomb goes off, on the other?

And while we’re at it, what do you do when the bomb goes off?

Protect yourself from falling debris, don’t form a crowd and stay away from tall buildings and ‘glass windows’ (as opposed to the other kind of windows?), the book says.

Do they think I’m simple or something?

If a bomb goes off the last of my worries is going to be what falls on me. The problem will be the shrapnel that cuts down me and everyone else within range of the blast.

And how am I going to not form a crowd in the Mall on market day, let’s say? The entire precinct will be… crowded? With people milling about trying to not form a crowd while squeezing into small spaces at the bottom of buildings that will protect them from falling debris.

Except that the falling debris will probably be the tall buildings and glass windows we’re supposed to stay away from, but we’re sheltering in.

Never mind. They mean well.

Like where they say they can’t actually help you very much with advice on chemical warfare, except that it could be… well, anything, really… perhaps even Alf farting.

I don’t mean to mock (oh well, all right, I suppose I do) but what is a bloke to do!

The blunt truth is: I trust politicians almost as little as I trust terrorists.

I mean, if I wanted to sow the seed of terror in you about funnel web spiders, for example, I’d be saying: “Look, while you’re reading this I want to warn you there may be a funnel web spider exploring the tender bits of your ankle.

“DO NOT BE ALARMED!

“The possibility is remote, but there are a lot more of them about nowadays and just to be on the safe side you should BE ALERT!

“And in the unlikely event that it bites you — not that there’s one there, you understand — this is how to treat the bite…”

It doesn’t stack up. Like John’s claim in his letter that: “It is a sad fact that since the terrorist attack on 11 September… and particularly since the terrorist atrocity in Bali… we live in a more dangerous world.”

I suspect the Palestinians and the Israelis would disagree, since their world has been dangerous for many years.

Personally I would have thought it was probably more dangerous just before those bombings, not since. Since, we have been getting the picture on just how mad some of these bastards are. I would have thought that made things a bit safer. Not much, but a bit.

Nevertheless, I shall do my bit. Anyone buying a tonne of fertiliser is suss, John’s book says, because they can use it to make bombs.

So I shall be dobbing in every farmer from here to Tenterfield. Not that I think the farmers will be after the Australian public.

I think they’ll be after Mr Howard.