Can you die of cornflakes?

I HAD toast for breakfast. Again.

There has to be something else in the world for breakfast besides toast. And don’t give me that stuff about muffins or crumpets because that’s just toast with the corners knocked off.

Nor will I accept arguments about cornflakes and various other basic cereals that have been processed into little peas or pillows, or coated with something palatable.

That’s no better than toast with milk, and all that does it make it go soggy.

My father had cornflakes for breakfast all his adult life until he died, aged 76.

Can you die of cornflakes?

Look, I am not looking for table dancers with my breakfast. I do not want it served by topless waitresses (even topless waitresses could do nothing for toast).

I just want variety!

I know I can swap the Vegemite for the peanut butter or the blackberry jam, but it’s still toast.

I got so desperate last week that I tried Vegemite and peanut butter on the same slice! (And actually it was quite yummy).

My wife offered me porridge yesterday because I was whingeing so much. Porridge, for heaven’s sake!

And I ate it!

I suppose it is something to do the modern living. We’re all under such pressure that we no longer have time for the traditional breakfasts. We can barely shove down a slice of toast before we’re bolting out the door and hurling ourselves onto the daily treadmill of life.

I suggested this to my wife. I won’t tell you what she said, but I think she was suggesting that although that might be the world’s excuse, it wouldn’t do for me.

I pity young people, I really do. Have you seen the cereal section of the supermarkets nowadays? It takes up a whole alley!

Whatever happened to steak and eggs? Or bacon and eggs? Or even boiled eggs with little fingers of delicately toasted bread? (Except that I wouldn’t want the damn toast).

What about the days of stewed prunes and sliced peaches? Where are the devilled kidneys and the kedgeree?

Years ago I gave the kids jelly and ice cream for breakfast. My wife was in hospital at the time, having our fifth. She was horrified. She told the other mothers in the ward. I think there was a serious conversation about having our children placed in care.

But the kids loved it! There’s only so much cereal a child can eat in a lifetime, and let’s be honest here — most of the bread is just a vehicle for the stuff you put on it.

You could change it for a piece of Masonite and be no worse off. Especially as no-one would expect you to eat the Masonite.

I might be on to something.

Tomorrow I shall abandon the toast and just chuck on my plate a dollop of apricot jam, peanut butter and Vegemite, and a spoon.

No doubt, as I eat it, I will suffer a sense of something missing.

But it won’t be toast.

It’ll be the table dancer.