If there is a God, there are people in my town who are going to hell. And soon. Because I am going facilitate the journey. In truth, I feel a little guilty because it not they who are the problem. Not directly. The problem is the internal combustion engine. Since the bloody thing was invented (by Nickolaus Otto or Rudolf Diesel, take your pick) it has been called the curse of the 20th century. But this isn’t the 20th century. This is the 21st century, and I know what the curse of the 21st century is, because people here own them. It’s the leaf blower. Yes, yes! I know there…

A pox on plastic; a pox on electronics and radio-controlled gadgetry. I have gone back to balsa wood. If you’re not yet 35 you’ll probably have to look it up. It’s one of the lightest hardwoods in the world and it was once the material from which that ruddy, beaming, optimistic and enthusiastic small boys made model airplanes. Not any more. Now they are made of polystyrene, or plastic, and they come with wires and batteries and – no doubt – nuclear-powered engines that any kid can knock up in five minutes in his bedroom. Well, I’m not having it. My grandson is five. And he likes airplanes. A grandson…

We’re arguing. Two years ago I would have said this in the same tone that one would say there was smoke pouring out of the loungeroom window. But arguing today is good sign. It means we’re talking. We’re still arguing about the same issues, though; you know the kind of stuff — those things that could change the course of the planet through the heavens, or end the global financial crisis. Like … the correct way to iron a shirt. I’ve grown used to ironing my shirts. Alone, without advice or criticism. I find it therapeutic to watch the crumpled fabric disappear under the iron and reappear again, smooth, accompanied…

I’ve broken my teeth. For the second time. The first was when I was 14, on Dave Doubtfire’s knee. Dave Doubtfire was the consistency and size of a concrete bridge support.  He had a reputation on the rugby field of never being brought down by anyone. I had a reputation for never letting anyone through Ñ until I met his knee. He made the try, but they had to dig my incisor out his kneecap. The second was yesterday, on a mango stone. Actually, I say ‘my teeth’, but strictly speaking this second time it’s not my teeth; it’s the denture that replaced my teeth after Dave Doubtfire had run…

The thing about conjuring is – it’s a trick. The rabbit hasn’t really defied all the known laws of physics and vanished into thin air. The conjuror has made it seem that way, but really we’re the victims of our own gullibility. Enter the United States Government and $700 billion dollars, complete with top hat, white gloves and magic wand. I’m not a complicated person. I see things in very simple terms. And the simple terms are these:•    ordinary American people bought houses that weren’t worth the money.•    They bought them when they couldn’t really afford to because in America if you overstretch your finances that’s your problem. •    They…