DID you see the full moon on Tuesday night? It came up behind the casino, the size of a soccer ball and red as a navel orange, which actually isn’t orange at all. It looked good enough to pluck, but it isn’t. It’s pollution, you know, that redness. You might want to remember that next time you’re cuddling your loved one on the beach and enjoying the romance of the moment.   If you don’t believe me then consider why it isn’t red when it’s directly overhead. It’s only red when it’s low on the horizon and we view it through a thick segment of the earth’s atmosphere. Its polluted…

IT may been that in the past I have inadvertently said things that would lead you to believe I have a soft spot for young people. This was a mistake. I have modified my opinion of young people. It happened when I found myself glued to a train seat by a wad of chewing gum. Not a random piece inconsiderately spat by chance on to some unsuitable surface, but a strategically positioned lump designed to catch the unwary. It was on the back of a folding seat, hidden from view until you unfolded it, and sat on it, without looking to see if some evil little ratbag had left a…

MY wife has left me with a pat on the head and the dog and flown to England for six weeks. People say she has left me and they’re not surprised. She told me when she rang that she hasn’t left me and she is surprised. I told her I thought her unnecessarily churlish and she said, no, she was necessarily churlish. It kept me on my toes, she said. I spend more time on my toes than Rudolf Nureyev. She returns soon (assuming she was serious about not leaving me) and I shall shower her with gifts, the purpose of which will be to assure her of my continued…

MY stepmother-in-law has just been down to the local social club where well-meaning, middle-aged women with chests like bolsters fed her tea and biscuits and encouraged her to join in the singing with all the other octogenarians. They even got her to wear a funny hat. She said she enjoyed it! You don’t know my stepmother-in-law. And if you did you wouldn’t want to. Basically, she doesn’t like people, whom she divides broadly into two groups, both equally odious to her. The groups vary according to mood: socialist and capitalist; rich and poor; violent and passive, scheming and docile, young and old. But whichever way she slices the world, when…

IT’S 3am. I am staring at the ceiling but I can’t see it. The darkness that streams in at the moonless window is much more comprehensive than light. Beside me my wife sleeps the sleep of the innocent. Which is unfair, because she’s not, but that’s another story. Inside me there has been a traffic accident. The strawberries have hit my lower intestine and I suspect there is carnage everywhere. I didn’t know strawberries could do that. Strawberries are the food the gods eat. We went over to a friend’s place and the food was superb. Strawberries and cream to finish. I thought I was safe. Cheese has become the…