Hello, and thanks for letting me join you tonight. Having the opportunity to sit down for a few minutes and talk to you is a great privilege.My name isn’t Lawrence Springborg and I’m not standing in the Queensland election next weekend. But if I were, I’d be right in there, straight off, telling you about my plans to improve the lifestyle of Queenslanders and the future of Queensland. At least, I think that’s what I’d do. I’m pretty sure that what I wouldn’t do is jump straight in whingeing about all the things the Labor Government has done wrong. How come this is such a hard lesson for politicians to…

I want something named after me. It’s natural, at my time of life. One wants to be remembered. I’m halfway there with a name like Pearce. If I persevere I’m sure I can people to adopt Pearce instead of pierce. A hundred years from now someone will ask: “I wonder why they call it ‘pearcing’ wit?” and Ñ bingo! Ñ they’ll go to the dictionary and it’ll say: named after 20th century columnist Colin Pearce (1944–2064), who was noted for his brilliant sense of humour. It was Edward Vernon who put me on to it. He was born 200 years ago, but he’s still remembered. Every time anyone mentions grog…

It’s my daughter’s birthday today. Happy birthday Ellen! Birthdays are big in our house. We all gather first thing in the morning and the sounds of “Happy birthday to you!” shake the rafters. Our cakes have all the candles. My last birthday was my 65th and the light from my cake was confusing shipping in the Coral Sea. Why am I telling you this? As a warning. The thing is: my daughter’s pregnant. For the second time. So that’ll be three birthdays to celebrate. Then there’s the other four children and their children. And their partners; and their partners’ children. I’m up to 16 already. Sixteen birthdays is half a…

It’s started. A more generous man would refrain from saying I told you so; but: I told you so. We have a new royalty; a new royal family. We didn’t have to wait for Australia to become a republic; we only had to wait for our brains to fall out. I’ve just bought a book of stamps; the Queen’s head on a stamp was one of the familiar assurances that we recognised the Royal Family and its role in our lives. Now, I’m no royalist. When the republic comes I have no doubt it’s impact on me will be infinitesimal; probably the rates will go up and the value of…

There are beans on my bedside table. No cause for alarm. I put them there. Just as I put the carrots in the glove box, the capsicum in the soap dish and the tomatoes in my boots. My wife dropped the turnips in the fruit bowl, where they were hidden from view for three years. Before you start removing all the sharp implements I should add that we are, I suspect, not alone. This is happening in homes all over the civilised world; even yours. It’s not exactly carrots and beans and capsicum; it’s the seeds — the base material from which the vegetables are supposed to grow — if…