I HAVE seen the future. It’s a mug with one toothbrush in it, and a toaster with one slice of bread. It’s bedroom drawers that only smell of me, and believe me, that is not a Good Thing. It’s saying, “Wow, look at that sunset.” and having silence as a response instead of “Mmmmmm…” which means your wife is busy threading a needle, which you know makes her feel sick, so stop interrupting. And come to think of it, that’s not so bad. This is Life as a Single Man It has a certain pathos, but I’m not complaining. There are upsides. When I empty my pockets on to the…

MY best friend is taking up the piano accordion. My ex-best friend. No one can have a best friend who plays piano accordion. It would be like having a mate who was a homicidal maniac. People would start avoiding you, as well as him, because… well, it might be bad for their health. In fact there are lot of similarities between a piano accordionist and a homicidal maniac. They don’t for instance, come with fangs and green foam at the mouth. They look like ordinary people. It’s only after the newspaper headlines have appeared, shouting “Twelve dead!” that neighbours are quoted as saying: “He was so unassuming and polite. I’d…

WELL that’s it then. We are going our separate ways. We cannot live with each other because neither of us does anything right, or because both of us are always wrong, or because either one of us has disgusting habits, like not closing the toothpaste tube, or closing the toilet seat. You can guess, I’m not talking about dog and me. This is serious domestic stuff, and yet the strange thing is how civilised we’ve been about it. Having agreed that we are bad for each other and we should live in different houses, she asks me if I want tea, and calls me darling. Tonight, if she can’t sleep,…

CONCRETE. From fence to fence in all directions. I can leave little holes for a strictly limited number of bushes. Evergreen bushes that don’t drop leaves. And I can paint flowers on it. Or, more appropriately, grass. Until someone comes up with a better solution this will have to do. But one thing is certain – mowing lawns is the world’s most futile task, and I am never doing it again. I am told it only grows to a certain length, and then it stops and falls over, but how can that be? I cut it yesterday and already there are myriad broad daggers of the stuff spearing up from…

DID you know 150 million men worldwide suffer erection problems? Did you want to know? Neither did I, but the internet gives me no choice. Since last week, every time I log on the message is there. It’s unsettling. You could be Brad Pitt and it would still be unsettling. I want you to know before we go any further that I refuse to discuss my physiological condition with you, except to say I am happy with it. Was happy with it. I’m afraid to log on to my computer now. This uninvited little advert slides in from the bottom of the screen: Did you know 150 million men worldwide…