I HAVE a bottle of red wine before me. It smells (says the label) of raspberry, mint, cassis and herbs. It’s fruit driven and youthfully vibrant. I tasted it. Buried my nose in the glass, took a swig and swilled it round my mouth, like I’ve seen them do at wine tastings. Grapes. It tasted of grapes and alcohol, and it smelled of… well, red wine. Maybe I have no sensitivity. Maybe I am, at heart, a mere philistine in the marvellous world of fine wines (or even of quite ordinary plonk). Or just maybe they’re having us on. What about this one: aromas of fleshy black cherry, spices and…

I DON’T know… maybe I’m wrong. My wife says I’m wrong all the time, so that probably proves it. I have been hanging on to the idea that love is possible when you’re old. More precisely, I have been desperately clinging to the notion that when you’re old love is possible – with the same person you started with! But I look around me and I’m not so sure. How many elderly couples do you see walking through Townsville Mall holding hands? I saw one last week. I wanted to grab them and ask whether they’d had a super-glue accident, or whether one of them was blind!   There’s an…

HAPPY St Patrick’s Day. Why we in Townsville celebrate the man who banished snakes and heathens from a country on the other side of the world is one of life’s great mysteries, like Mrs Murphy’s black baby. But they must be asking the same question in Bangkok, Hong Kong, Tokyo and all the other unlikely places on the globe that sport at least one pub with a name like Finnigan’s or Hanrahan’s. But I’m glad we do. I suspect there are more Irish people in Townsville than there are in Dublin. Where else would you find half a dozen Irish bands, Irish dance schools, Gaelic language lessons, tin whistle lessons…

I AM getting a blue card. It will prove that it’s safe to let me loose among children. Which is not necessarily true. It depends on the child. It’s reasonably safe to take me off my leash around good children. I generally eat the other kind, eventually. It’s a very effective method of child-control, once word gets round. I don’t bother with naughty spots, or reasoning, I just say no – and they stop. This may, of course, prove to be an impediment to getting a blue card. Who can tell? The world’s gone mad. This is all happening because my wife is about to open a family day-care service…

I was up at 4.30am this morning. Up, and at the wheel of my car. Driving doesn’t describe what I was doing, which was more like fumbling. The good thing about driving this early is that there isn’t very much to hit, when you nod off. I was on our way to buy fruit and vegetables. At the market. Normal people buy them from the greencrocer’s, or the supermarket, but we are buying organic fruit and vegetables because they are Very Healthy. Please explain to me what is healthy about getting up at 4am, pouring boiling water over your arm in an attempt to make tea while sleeping, and being…