I HAVE said in the past that there are two things a woman can’t do. Naturally, I have been accused of sexual stereotyping, insensitivity, boorishness, stupidity, being overweight and hating women. This is by my wife, but others have since joined in. And, because I know you’re busting to know – the two things women can’t do are: squeezethe toothpaste tube at the right end, and cuta straight slice of bread. In 2007 I am not only wrong, but also obsolete, because with modern toothpaste tubes it doesn’t matter which end you squeeze, and bread — sadly — is pre-sliced as well as tasteless. Not that is matters. I am…

DO you realise that in three days time the date is going to be 05/06/07? I probably shouldn’t be reminding anyone. There’s still time for every crackpot from Cairns to Caloundra to come up with a portent for this auspicious date. And none of them will be good. The sooth-sayers who gather round dates like this never have good things to say. No one ever predicted the birth of a new world; or everyone winning the lotto. It’s always: The End of the World Is Nigh. They’ll be up Castle Hill in their thousands waiting for the tidal wave that’s supposed to swallow the fleshpots of Townsville and Thuringowa. Somehow…

HAVE you ever eaten your snot? Think carefully. It’s a practice that disgusts adults, and yet you can observe any small child, at some point in its life, absent-mindedly reaming out its nose and nibbling the bits of its index finger. Disgusting but true. I have been watching it this morning. I thought my grandson (aged three) was an intelligent little lad, but that’s impossible. Not because he eats his snot, but because he jams his finger so far up his nose that he must have destroyed a huge proportion of the nerve centres in his brain. My point is, that if all today’s children do it, then the rest…

ALL I want to do is listen to the news. On the radio. In my car. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Well, yes, clearly; because I can’t make it happen. I think it’s another one of those natural laws that confound us from time to time. Like the cheapest petrol being at the service station you just passed. I don’t listen to much in the car. I like to concentrate on the driving. But, being a news man, I like to keep up with the news. It’s impossible. In the car, anyway. I can listen to science programs, religious programs, chat shows, party political broadcasts, and an…

DO they think we’re stupid? Do you remember those distant school days when some repulsive little thug would stamp on your school books, generally give you a hard time, and then offer you incentives (lollies, string, dead beetles and coins of small denomination) not to dob him in to the teacher? What’s the difference between that, and the budget? There’s hardly a report on Tuesday’s budget that doesn’t look upon it as a vote‑buying exercise, which, of course, it is. If they handed us all a brown paper bag full of money in return for our vote, we could have them arrested; but this way it’s legal. Don’t your average…